Sermon Nuggets Mon Dec 14
Theme Marriage relationships
Verses
Col 3:17-19
17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Marriage – A personal Dialogue
As most know sermon nuggets are adapted from past sermons. My wife, Judi and I dialogued about these verses in 1998 as a public presentation replacing the traditional sermon. Because of the controversy within evangelical circles over the role of husbands and wives and how we play that out today, I believe there have been abuses on both extremes of liberal and conservative interpretations. For those who are into labels we fall into the or Complementarian interpretation as opposed to the Egalitarian views. We follow more of a conservative view of marriage taking the verses to emphasize the differences in seeking to complement one another.
As is the case with most differences of opinions it is my observations that each side pushes the opposing position into views that do not fairly represent them. Each couple must start with the honest desire to make verse 17 their guideline. Do whatever you do in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Ultimate even our marriages are not personal, they are to be a reflection of Gods’ will for the couple and whatever roles they chose to agree on is to reflect the character of Jesus to one another and to those around them.
This week is a presentation of personal dialogue that Judi and I had before the congregation.
DALE: The writings of Paul move from theological to practical. We reviewed that all we have is God's and whatever we do in word or deed should be to the glory of God. The most important relationship we can have is with God, our creator. But the second command is love your neighbor as yourself.
We carry our Christian commitment into our families, first with our spouse, then our children. It affects our work, life, and church. Those are subjects of our upcoming thoughts from this book of Colossians.
Marriage and family relationships are of central importance in living out our Christian commitment. This passage is straight and to the point. It is in the living out of these principles that we need help. God gave us a great plan when it comes to marriage. But in a testimonial way I thought of inviting Judi to join with me as we reflect on marriage together. Now perhaps a better setting to share something like this is a Sunday evening service or Sunday school, but many of you do not attend those events and some things we feel strongly about sharing.
Now we all know that a pastor's family must be perfect. A pastor is the ideal husband. His wife is dutiful supporter. They are an example to their flock. Judi, tell us what it's like to live in a perfect marriage.
JUDI - Yes, it is great to be part of a perfect marriage with a perfect man and perfect woman. To have your marriage arranged by God in heaven and have no doubts who you should marry or how you should get along. That's right. Let me read what it is like. (read Gen 1:26-31)
That's the perfect marriage in the perfect environment where God the perfect match maker make the perfect woman for the perfect man and created the perfect marriage for the perfect family. But when sin came as we read about in chapter two that ended this perfect marriage thing. From then on the relationships between men and women have not been according to God's first and perfect plan.
DALE- Except pastor's families.
JUDI- Including pastor's families. For since all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. We are two people who struggle with our old natures; We do not act the way we want to or should. We face all the challenges of any other couple. In fact there may be a few added pressures on our marriage that some marriages do not face. But every marriage has its pressures.
DALE- We are not marriage experts. We are open to whatever help we can get to work on making our relationship stronger. Judi has some things to learn, and so do I. Marriage is too complex for anyone who thinks he/she has mastered the art.
One fellow who owned two parrots thought he needed an expert. He wanted to know which the female was and which the male was. A person standing near said, "I'm a bird expert and I can tell you. If you'll notice every time the birds eat worms, the male bird always eats the male worms and the female bird always eats the female worms."
"Well how do you know which is the male and which is the female worm?" "Oh said, the fellow, ‘I don't know that. You see, I'm just a bird expert." Perhaps that's what it is like with marriage experts.
Preachers and spouses do not have a handle on everything there is to know about being marriage, but it is also important to say we have problems, struggles, tensions. We are very human. It is not just the laity that are going through divorces. Many clergy face this today.
Judi and I have seen ministry friends split up and go through divorce.
JUDI - A few years ago I spent time with one of my closest friends while Dale talked often with her husband, who had an affair. They tried to reconcile for awhile, but the clergyman returned to his girl friend, not only gave up the family, but his ministry, job, and turned his back on faith. This hurt deeply. We should not take lightly the Scriptures that say, "What God has joined together, let not man break up" It has serious consequences and hurts for years to come with all family members.
Like all relationships it takes work. It is not always easy. It carries lots of pain that might be avoided if both people took very seriously their relationship to the Lord.
DALE I see verse 17 a key to not only direct our individual lives but our marriages together as the two become one. So the journey is a spiritual one with committed Christian husbands and wives. When we covet before God and our friends to remain faithful to one another, we are not naïve. It takes three-a husband, a wife and the Lord.
Pastor Dale
Sermon Nuggets Tues Dec 15 09
Why Marriage
DALE - Let me tell you how I saw marriage before I was married. When I was single I was afraid to get married. I think for three reasons.
First, I enjoyed my freedom and living the way I wanted without necessarily being responsible to another person. I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and my time was my own. I could spend or save money as I wished, and had control over the TV, Radio, and record player.
Secondly, I was in ministry as a youth pastor and it became very hard for me to realize how I could work in time with a wife or family with ministry demands. I was finishing up my studies at the same time.
Thirdly, I was afraid of divorce. I knew if I went into the ministry, which I believed God called me to, a divorce would ruin my future. With the rise of marriages breaking up, even among clergy, I was afraid to chance it. I believe I could stay true to my commitment with God’s help, but I had no control or guarantee that whom ever I married would want to stay with me. The right type of wife is especially important in ministry.
JUDI- I want to add that for some of you who are single. It is perfectly OK to be single. You're definitely not a second-class citizen in the Kingdom of God. Paul in 1 Cor 7 makes that clear. Dale spoke on that last Spring.
Because of what I had seen growing up in my family, being married was not number one on my list. I was preparing for the mission field which took priority.
DALE: There were a number of reasons why I wanted to get married, even before I met Judi. As a healthy male with sexual desires I knew that God would honor the marriage bed and that sexuality outside of marriage was disobedience to God's commands. I wanted to live my life for God not personal pleasures and lusts, so that would be a big reason to get married.
I didn't completely understand love at that time, but whatever it was, it would be an important factor in a relationship. I knew the love of parents, the love of friends, but not the love of a wife or of children, that was a curiosity for me.
I also knew that most churches would not hire a single pastor. Yet those singles who loved the Lord and called to ministry give far more time and effort to their calling than those who were married. Unfortunately, because of our sexually saturated society single professionals, especially men, are suspect of promiscuity or homosexuality which just is not true for most.
I would be dishonest if I didn’t also say I experienced loneliness. My life was very full with people in ministry, but also no one with whom I could share my personal intimate thoughts and dreams who would accept me, love me, and not judge me.
But when I went to a Bill Gothard Seminar in the 70s there was one statement that came home to me as I was considering marriage. "Can you serve God better as a single person or married couple?" What is God's will for you?
The reason I really like that is because of the passage. “Whatever you do, do it for God's glory.” Was it God's will for me?
JUDI- If someone seeks to put Christ first in their life, that place of priority does not change when a woman meets a man she starts to love. In fact, the prayers increase that God would be clear in his direction and if seemed to be His will that we marry then I was willing to look at our relationship beyond just being friends enjoying one another’s company.
I had seen some of my nursing friends quickly give up their career and goals when some man came into their life. I wondered if their feelings for a man clouded their commitment which seemed so right before. I didn’t want that to happen to me.
I respected Dale’s commitment and believed God called him into the ministry, but I needed to ask if I felt I could partner with him in the church and in the responsibilities that a pastor’s wife is expected to fulfill. I wasn’t sure I was. So one of my hesitancies was to deal with my heart and how a husband would change that direction for me. How could God use my education, training, and personality in a different direction that I intended? That was important for me.
Pastor Dale
Sermon Nuggets Weds Dec 16
Before Marriage
JUDI - The Bible says that you are not your own you have been bought with a price. (I Cor 6:20) I had given my life to Jesus Christ at 9 years old and planned to be a missionary nurse. I gave God the complete right and freedom to do whatever He wanted. I later reconfirmed that desire to have Him lead me in my life. As I got closer to graduation from High School I had a desire to go into nursing as well as become a missionary. I enrolled at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago for Bible background.
While listening to many speakers at Moody, as well as through personal reading and talking with others I came to think there might be other roads before me than just the mission field. I had a friend who applied to a Christian nursing school, Mounds Midway School of Nursing in St. Paul. I decided that would be the next step of the journey for me.
DALE- In 1971 Judi and I met at a wedding in Rochester, Minnesota. She had graduated and was working at Midway Hospital. I was a Seminary student while serving as a youth pastor at Olivet Baptist in Robbinsdale. I was glad we were a bit older, out of college, had other interests, working, and somewhat financially stable.
I want to caution young people against marrying too early in life. I believe the greatest changes in a person are between 18-24 years of age.
I think another very important factor in our dating was the truth of the Bible that says "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." (2 Cor 6:14) I have had friends marry non Christians who told me later how they wished they would have obeyed the Bible. They thought love would conquer all. But the most important relationship you will have will be with Jesus. And young people, since every date is a potential mate, date Christians.
JUDI- In addition let prayer be part of your dating. There are some couples who still have never prayed together as husband and wife. I prayed regularly that God would send the right man to me if I was to marry. But frankly I thought God would be clearer than He was. I was sure my dream man would be tall dark and handsome like my brothers. Well, we don’t always get what we want, but God had a different idea.
DALE: One of my spiritual heroes is Billy Graham. When he first met Ruth he knew that was the woman for him. But he also had previous relationships that he felt were the right ones for him. Having complete confidence in the partner God sent wasn't true for us.
Our dating was filled with doubts. I knew I was to marry a Christian. I prayed about it. If God called me to the ministry, I would want that to be part of the criteria for a wife. If was important to me that she would be willing to join me in ministry and the added struggles of not living in a house that is our own, possible moving every four years, being expected to come to church and actively participate in the program.
I thought it would be important that she would be willing to entertain, have people stop by unexpectedly, and of course be able to put up with me. I wanted a woman who would be a good mother to my future children.
JUDI- Since many Mounds Midway nurses married someone from Bethel Seminary I did not want to marry a Bethel man, nor a minister. Through personal and spiritual self searching God was changing me.
If I was to marry I wanted a man who loved God, was sensitive but with a good sense of humor. It was very important that he held the same personal values I did.
Dale and I dated three years, before we married and of course, now live happily ever after.
DALE- The frustrating part of making the decision to marry for me was the lack of 100% confidence that she as the one for me. I envied others who had that confidence. In our relationship when I was ready to make a commitment she wasn’t. Then I would back off and she was ready to move forward. We decided to stop seeing or talking with each other for month and just pray about if we should continue our relationship.
During that time I just concluded that she exhibited the important qualities that would make a good wife and mother. (not to mention the fact that she was very good looking!) We talked a lot together and didn’t try to put the best foot forward. We both knew honesty would be essential for any future relationship, even expressing our frustrations and doubts.
JUDI- I continued to work at the ICU ward at Midway Hospital. I moved on with important things in my life like finding an apartment, signing a lease, purchasing a car and seeking to pay off my school loans. I attended a local church and decided not to go to the church Dale attended because of distance, as well as not to be pushed by expectations of others into a relationship that we enjoyed but were willing to change plans if indeed God had someone else for us.
DALE- I was coming up to graduation from Seminary and still didn’t think the timing was right. I interviewed with a couple of church committees churches but was declined further interviews since I was single. I also wondered if the Lord was opening the door for hospital chaplaincy. I decided to stay on at the church as part time youth pastor and study at Hennepin General Hospital with their Clinical pastoral education program. I would be in the area and we could keep talking and praying about our future together even if the pastorate was not for me.
I learned what it means to walk more by faith than sight. To keep doing the basics; being what God wanted me to be and trust He will lead when that time is right for change. I was learning that being in the will of God was more being that doing. He was working on me.
Pastor Dale
Sermon nuggets Thurs Dec 17
Adjustments to Marriage
DALE- My hardest year was the first year of marriage. It is during this time there is both excitement of romantic love and adjustments to the realities of daily living. After a few months I really became confused if I had made the right choice. I didn't like the adjustment period. I enjoyed the sexual relationships, but I am convinced if I was not married with the spiritual commitment to her and God I might have left like many singles do when they just choose to live together. I would not have understood love on the deeper level that only comes with such commitment. Some people like the change and flexibility and challenge of new things, but later discover feelings aren’t the same as commitment.
JUDI- Commitment involves the spiritual, physical, social, and psychological.
The conflict of wills was a big one. We didn't agree financially on how to spend our money and buy things, even though we discussed it before marriage. We didn't agree on what type of purchases, personal, home, or professional. The biggest difference was the priorities of purchases and savings. Finances are the common causes for conflict in a relationship. Our financial habits were different before marriage and to change quickly was not easy. It seemed to me I had to do most of the changing.
There are other circumstantial adjustments when a couple goes through changes. Right after we were married Dale had a job as a Chaplain in nursing homes. We purchased a new home four months after marriage. After 6 months my sister came to live with us, since my parents had died. She was almost 12 at the time. So now we had the privilege of raising a teen when we hardly were used to one another.
DALE- In adding to the adjustment of living with another person who was fun to date and dream about the future, now we needed to develop our own routine. Most counselors advise not having children the first year of marriage so the couple has a chance to really get to know one another. I suppose with having Marti come into our home it was like marrying someone who already had an adolescent.
I resented the positive conversations the Judi would have with Marti, while the times we talked were regulated to address necessities of living, parenting, and time management.
Judi also returned to college to get a BSN four year nursing degree. It was then I realized she was driven to be an all A student or felt like a failure. Being a new wife, a mother to her sister, continuing to work ¾ time and a student provided stress. I was feeling like my quality time with her was almost non existent. Instead of dates or walks we were delegated to the necessities of living, talking care of Marti, driving her to school activities, shopping, laundry and church. I felt I was being ignored. I didn't want to admit it, but I was jealous of her time. It was also awkward to define my role with a sister-in-law not really being a parent but having guardianship responsibilities.
JUDI- part of every relationship is learning how to fight fair. When emotions are hurt it is easy to be offensive or defensive. We want to either attack the other because we feel hurt, or we want to crawl into a shell and not communicate. It is an important lesson to learn that disagreements are part of a relationship, and they should be looked on tool to deepen the relationship. Each brings their personalities into making a stronger solution.
DALE- since the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26) I wanted to resolve arguments right away. She remained silent and didn’t want to talk about it. When I would force the issue to get it resolved it seemed to get worse. The unresolved tension became a threat to me.
One night she wisely said to me, “I promise we will discuss this in the next day or two. You are very verbal and can express yourself easily. I need to think about it and what I am feeling and how I want to say it. We are different. I can’t come up with all the solutions until I can think them through.”
That made sense to me. The fact the problem wasn’t being ignored, just delayed helped me feel better and come to realize she didn’t have to be like me, nor was I being ignored. The conversations later proved to be more productive and helpful than on the spot solutions which I thought we needed.
JUDI- After I got my degree Dale moved from being a chaplain with regular work hours to moving to a new community and taking on the responsibility of a pastorate. Now his schedule involved day and night responsibilities. When we were at home he seemed to be thinking about the next sermon, Sunday School lesson, or church problem to be addressed. I didn’t have school and work as before. Now I resented the time he spent at the church in many meetings. Most of the activities we did revolved around the church not leaving much personal time. I was feeling lonely missing my friends from Minnesota.
DALE- I believed I was in the will and direction of the Lord, but I had a lot to learn about being a pastor. Not only were there expectations from many people for my attention, but also for us as a “family”. Learning new roles in a new environment also took adjustment and needed communication that we didn’t always have. Even our rare vacation times were with Marti.
Fortunately Judi enjoyed calling with me at the hospitals and with shut-ins and driving in the country provided talk time. I enjoyed the fact that she was sharing in the ministry and the people also like it.
We did have devotions together and prayed about our marriage. We never questioned love or commitment to each other. But change was needed and it wasn’t going to happen without a plan to change and a process to evaluate progress.
Pastor Dale
Sermon Nuggets Fri Dec 18
A Better Spouse
DALE- Part of growing in a relationship is to take time for one another. I decided at least monthly to date my wife.
My desire to be a better husband comes wanting to please the Lord as well as Judi. "Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them." If I take my faith seriously, then I must take my relationship with Judi seriously.
I have emotional feeling for her that I call love. But the Bible does not speak about love in that way. Love is a commitment. I must be committed to her in faithfulness. There are needs in my life that I choose that only she can fulfill. She has my promise on that.
But I also realize that I cannot meet all of Judi's needs nor can she meet all of mine. It would be idolatry to think she can or should.
JUDI- Some struggle with the thought “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord.” Part of submission to Dale is a public awareness that he is my husband and I am his- no other. That is fitting to the Lord. I choose not to flirt; I do not dress to please other men. I do not make decisions regarding my schedule that would involve home or family or church time without consulting him.
For me submission is harder to discuss, than practice. Perhaps it's a matter of pride. I resented it when he tried to control or manipulate me, but when he included me in choices I learned to trust him more.
DALE- If I was to take Judi's concerns seriously, as a Christian husband, I needed to make some changes in our relationship. Some interpret this passage to mean treat your husband as if he is the Lord. That would also be idolatry. When God’s word say submit to those in authority over you, it was the Apostles who fulfilled God’s will by obeying God rather than man when two commands conflicted.
I was convicted of sin against Judi by being harsh with her in some areas. I was strangling her freedom to use some of our money in ways that she thought would be best for the both of us. I wanted it my way which is not love. Love is not selfish. So one thing that helped was to agree Judi had some money she could call her own that I would have no say over. She could blow it however she wanted even if it was on things that I felt were unnecessary. Call it an allowance; call it a gift; it doesn't make a difference. It was hers to do as she wanted and emotionally I gave up the right to comment on her purchases as an act of love for her.
JUDI- It also became important for me to not create win and lose situations. Rather than put down Dale or hold anger against him I sought harder to clarify the issues of disagreement and work on solutions that were mutually acceptable. I learned there were times to compromise and times to raise up discussion and not to remain silent. We learned to evaluate what was really important to address and what wasn’t. It was a submission of power that eliminated lots of conflicts. We tried to keep the focus on the issue rather than whose idea or opinion ought to win over the other. As we thought more about the issue of our discussion and not our pride it was an important step to work on solutions and decisions.
DALE- I did not want Judi to be like a child where I was a parent over her doing what I told her and expecting her to comply with my wishes. She is not a child.
Nor did I want to be her sergeant and she a private in the army. You need that type of leadership if you are at war. But the Biblical model of leadership taught by Jesus is servant leadership. Jesus gave himself for his disciples. He loved them and first acted in ways he wanted them to follow. He told them "Don't be like the Gentiles that Lord it over one another" Rather the one who should be first must be last. (Matt 20:25-26)
Judi is a woman created by God to be a helper, friend, and partner. When I saw her as God's gift to me, I become a steward of one of God's children with responsibility to encourage her to grow as an individual hand made by God to serve Him. To respect her uniqueness and be aware that God gave her to me to teach me important lessons for my spiritual growth. He knew how we were to compliment each other. What I appreciate and love more was her respect and trust for me. I know that isn't always easy. Trusting and agreeing with my decisions was her way to make me feel worthwhile to her. I felt good about that which also had the opposite effect of not wanted to control but ask for her opinions.
By making me feel worthwhile built me up in ways that she probably doesn't imagine. If she does not agree with a decision we talk about it. I choose out of love for her not to want to decide something that is for my benefit, but our benefit.
It was okay to readily admit there are many areas that she is much more capable of handling than I. Another major change for me was the adjustment that I do not have to be right, or smart, or have my way of doing things. I do not have the have the last word on everything. She probably still doesn't think so, but I can admit and listen to her when she has an idea that is better than mine. It's not a male ego thing for me to have to get my way.
JUDI- Out of my love and commitment to God and Dale I try to be his loyal supporter, unconditional listening post, giving feedback when he asks. Growing and maintaining our marriage and home is my number one priority above pursuing further degrees or other job placements which would take me away from home or church.
DALE- What has God taught me in the years of marriage since 1974? That I could not have picked a better person suited for me than the one God picks. I was pleasantly surprised discovering after we were married how much we agreed on the important things of life, things we did not think of talking about before marriage. She is my best friend and counselor. I readily admit that I am dependent upon her. I would not want to hurt her in any way.
Also it is hard for me to imagine marriages that do not have open communication. I can't imagine being married and not talking about hopes, dreams, disappointments, frustrations, and even disagreements. Judi has saved me 1,000 of dollars in therapist fees! She has kept confidences, although if pastoral matters do not concern her about other people I do not share those with her.
I think the reason we can discuss our thoughts and concerns and weaknesses is because we work at not putting the other person down. I see the hurt in her eyes when she feels that way. There is no one who can hurt me more emotionally than Judi. She chooses not to. There is no one I can hurt more emotionally that Judi. I chose not to. What good does that do? We seek to hold our tongues when we are angry to refocus on the issue and not our irritation, but can admit when we have angry feelings.
We are different personalities. She puts up with more than I put up with and I know that. She prays for me and that means more to me than she ever knows. I can trust her completely.
I could go into different ways people feel loved- gifts, touch, talking, time spent with the other, doing little (or big) things for them. Telling your spouse frequently “I love you.” in different ways doesn’t hurt either.
JUDI- I found that I cannot change Dale I can only work on changing me. It is very important for me to share my thoughts, preferences and ideas with my husband. Husbands are not mind readers. Nor are they perfect; nor are they God.
God has a will for both of us together to serve Him and bring glory to His name through our lives and marriage. When God called Dale into the ministry I accepted that as my calling as well. Although I feel I come short, but my prayer is that the Lord is honored in my relationship to him as a wife.
DALE- God has given me instructions as a Husband. Verse 18 is someone else mail, not mine. Verse 19 is mail for husbands. I have nothing to say about how Judi is supposed to submit to me as fitting to the Lord. That is between her and God. Do you get what I am saying? I have an awful lot of responsibility to love her and not be harsh with her. That is God's letter to me.
1 Corinthians 13 give me more to think about love and how to act toward her than I wish was in the chapter. I realize only Christ is the perfect lover. I am glad He modeled that for me as an example to others and especially Judi. I am glad He has given to me the Holy Spirit to work on me and our relationship together.
(We closed the service praying for one another and for the couples in the church)
Pastor Dale
